Unpinned
Breaking the Hold of Sexual Assault and Abuse
A story of courage and triumph, offering hope for every man and woman who have suffered sexual assault and abuse.
“ After being sexually assaulted, part of me shut down. My spirit was broken. I lived under the covers in fear for many years, until it was too painful to stay there anymore. There came a point when I knew that in order for me to get over the fear, I would have to face it, and that meant confronting the man who abused me.”
- Grant Watkins
In Unpinned, Grant Watkins tells unflinchingly of the horrors he went through and the courageous journey he took to unleash his own unique and resilient spirit. Readers learn the lessons of recovery with him as he revisits the ghosts of the past that nearly destroyed him – and makes peace.
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| Poem - Face the Hate After the Rape |
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Face the Hate After the Rape illustrates the journey of my recovery, and the importance of using the art of communication as a guide to healing. What should have been resolved in my youth did not become obvious to me until middle age. This epiphany left me feeling lost and without direction, even suicidal.
In my early twenties, after the death of my father, I met a married man who I call The Wrestler. I call my rapist The Wrestler because of the submissive hold he used on me, while he brutally attacked and raped me. He is not a professional wrestler, he is a prominent businessman. The poem describes the stages of my recovery, and how I ultimately survived the haunting flashbacks by breaking my silence, and facing the hate I had towards myself, and my perpetrator. Breaking my silence not only unpinned me, but it also challenges prevailing beliefs that sexual assault only happens to women. The poem encourages others to become unpinned by sharing their secrets despite the stigma, shame or criticism that they may encounter from family and friends. It is a reminder that others have traveled this journey before, and inspires them to speak out as they make their own journey of recovery.
Each keystroke allowed me to express what was to painful to speak out loud. Letters became words and rhythm formed between each verse. When read out loud, these verses quieted my inner voice which was confused with chatter, and I soon discovered my own inner peace and personal strength. This new found strength gave me the courage to publicly tell my story, and to advocate for other survivors who may not be ready to advocate for themselves. Facing the hate after the rape and telling my story through poetry taught me that I cannot make what happened go away, but I can learn to live with it, and still live a life full of purpose and meaning.
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Secrets to speak, yet scared to tell
Voicing hate for him would only destroy
I stayed silent, self-hating instead
At last it came time
To face my hate, break silence, escape
Tell my true Texas story, male sexual rape
Met a man, his wife, young kids
Some called Uncle, a mentoring guy
A deceiver of young, with money a tease
While I grieved Dad’s death, this wrestler attacked
Nightmares remind me, memories reflect still
These sexual acts against my free will
Torn off clothes, naked slave to same-sex plea
Pinned, choking, gasping, hands held down
Broken skin, bleeding, penetration begins
Lacking strength and confidence to defend
Self-worth and dignity stripped away
Broken of spirit, the haunting begins
Years of hiding, hating, shame
Sanity shattered, time to move far away
Where a therapist asks, have you ever been raped?
__________________
Hidden memories revealed, self-worth restored
I call and tell my hometown cops
In search of my abuser, I want to set things straight
Still living, I wondered, hurting young men like me?
Google finds him, this business VIP
This straight man who rapes men
__________________
His eyes on his Blackberry, silent he sat
Yet he had to hear, to face what he’d done
To apologize. Did he ever stop?
As I spoke, strong and confident now
He listened, unmoved, yet the truth was told
At last unpinned, freedom is mine
_______________
It happened to me, did it happen to you?
Spilling the secret is the key
Leave the silence, use your voice to break free
The ignorant will tell you, you deserved the abuse
Leaving you powerless to get up and move
Communication is power, speak your truth
They call you liar, crazy, confused
You’re blamed and feel dirty, yet you’re not at fault
The abuser is the one who is confused and unclean
Anger and rage could seal your fate
Instead use your story to liberate
From your heart, communicate, don’t retaliate
People care. You won’t be alone,
Ears listen, hearts hear, millions pray for you,
The Holy Spirit can guide you through the storm
Your emotional hurt will eventually end
If you do the work to reveal what’s within
One day you’ll feel whole again
___________________
Grant Watkins
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